Day 26

Thank you, my lovely daughters, for contributing so sweetly to this record for your mother to look back upon some day when she has the strength to cry for a long time. You have made me very proud, and have brought out an unaccustomed embarrassment in me for praise that I will enjoy trying to live up to.

I began writing this blog with the intention of keeping Kathy’s friends and family up to date on her progress through a passage in her life that promised to be the most life-changing she had ever come close to facing. Part of me must also have been thinking that it would serve for her eyes too, as a daily record of a lost period of time that her memory might have no chance of recollecting on its own.

I know that I have sometimes strayed from that original purpose, a digression brought on by my irrepressible affection for the woman I love. I’ve never thought I could be so maudlin. And, as many of you have rightly predicted, I’ve laid myself open to torrents of “the look.”

Kathy is now successfully emerging from her coma. And so, the period of Kathy’s long sleep having passed, this will be the last of my daily posts. Her progress from here to the end of her time at Cottage Hospital, I’m told, will be eventful, with bumps in the road just about every single day. But it should be less emotionally torturous than the nerve-wracking, life threatening highs and lows of the past three weeks. She will emerge intact, if not uninjured. I will be by her side every day here in Santa Barbara for as long as it takes to bring her back to our home in Morro Bay. There’s no way of knowing how long that might be…I’ve booked a room through the end of September. I’ll continue to post updates to this blog whenever a major turn of events occurs, and at least once a week for those who would like regular updates. For those of you who want to be made aware of when these updates occur, and have not signed up to track Kathy’s progress, you can be notified by email of the updates just by clicking on Kathy Oehler and then clicking on the “Follow” button at the lower right hand corner of the page.

The road ahead for Kathy, and for me and our family, and for that matter everyone who loves Kathy, looks to be a very steep one, with an uncertain destination.  We don’t know how long that road is, what perils she may encounter along the way, and – most worrisome – what awaits her at the end.

How will she tolerate what will surely be an excruciating ordeal of detoxification? We don’t know. How long will her recovery take, and what kinds of rehabilitation will she need? We don’t know that either. Mostly, however, what we don’t know is the type and extent of damage (“deficits,” to use the hospital term) her stroke will have inflicted. To find out, we wait. And wait. And wait. Without doubt, patience is the number one visitor virtue at Cottage.

I have told myself this, and I know it to be true: all I really need is for Kathy to emerge as Kathy. To be able to be herself: to be able to love, to be loved, and to smile. Those three things.

I’ve cried many tears for Kathy. I will cry more. I might be crying for her when I breathe my last breath.

In the past 25 days I have learned about the gut-wrenching experience of helplessness. That’s a hard lesson for someone facing a life-threatening event of the person who means everything. At some point, if you refuse to give up hope, you have to give yourself over to something else, acknowledge that there’s another power working through events.

It’s been a life-transforming time for me. How changed Kathy, or I, or the life we’re allotted together and with our loved ones will be after the events of the past weeks, of course there’s no way of knowing. But I do know I will be a more attentive person. Not that I will have to work hard to make an effort. It simply couldn’t be otherwise.

Kathy and I have counted our blessings every step along our way. We’ve spoken the words of love just about every day for going on four decades, and have had many extended conversations on the subject of our good fortune in having found each other, on having been allowed to live a life we’ve chosen, having lucked into the children we are blessed with, and having been given special knowledge through our family and friends.

But it’s more than all that, and something much less. A future blessing that I hope for, and hope to be given the opportunity to work toward, is simply to be able to sit side by side with her. That’s plenty. As I said before: to look out at the world as it passes by, maybe even from some welcoming steps…nod, smile, feel the warmth of our bodies pressed against each other. I now understand how awfully much that’s asking. How could anyone ask for more? Why would they?

17 Comments on

  3. I agree; beautifully said….tears flowing here….one day at a time …and my mantra “Everything’s gonna be alright.” I mutter it constantly thoughtout my days. God Bless you….

  4. Dear Richard,
    Your daily posts have been an inspiration to me. The concept of romance is alive and well. It has been said to me that I was the last of the romantics, but your posts prove otherwise. For men like us, the quiet joy of just holding hands with our love can be the height of spiritual fulfillment. Soon that thrill will once again be yours. Know that you honor all women because you honor one woman.
    With Profound Respect,
    Allen K. McGann

  5. Kathy and you have been so brave. Sending us an update when you can is appreciated. We are all sharing with each other what we know to be her status, and yours. Sending love, Linda

  6. Hi Richard, Abby & Paige, this is Larry,Michele’s husband & we have been following Kathy’s arduous journey through your remarkable words. I’m a PT & I manage PT/OT/Speech therapists. My experience/perspective is that Kathy will benefit from a Speech Therapy consult when she begins to arouse. Speech-Language Pathologists are experts in identifying cognition & communication deficits and, equally or more importantly, swallowing disorders. This is important since Kathy will be at high risk for developing aspiration pneumonia once they begin to allow fluids & food. Kathy’s impaired swallow function will allow food/fluid into her lungs rather than staying in esophagus/stomach where it belongs. Thicker then thinner food/fluid is usually the safest progression to minimize risk of aspiration pneumonias. Respiratory & Speech Therapists may work together to manage a valve in the tracheotomy that allows Kathy to breathe & speak. Communication boards or other tools allow communication prior to actual speech. Cottage has an excellent reputation for their Acute Rehab program where Kathy will probably be transferred when she is strong enough for 3 hrs of combined PT/OT/ SLP each day. Rehab Without Walls may be a good resource once Kathy returns home with you. They come to your home and offer more intensive Rehab Services fhan regular Home Health Services….. Michele & I send our love & prayers & positive thoughts for Kathys continued recovery.

  7. Hi Santa Barbara Peeps! My nephew is here and I read him the latest entry and he said “The world must be cutting onions” when he saw the river of tears running down my face. Thank you for your blogs and blessings to you. I will be in touch literally and mentally, and getting that quilt to you as soon as I can.. maybe we can have little poolside quilting parties? Thank you to all who have contributed to the quilt. I feel the love in every square and pray for each person whose square i touch, as well as Kathy and her family. I will try to get some photos of it on FB soon…. Love, Stacy

  8. C’mon Kathy.
    Richard, these posts have been a fantastic opportunity to learn about you and Kathy. I feel like a know a little too much. It sure sounds like you are the guy to help Kathy with the next steps. Paige and Abby, great to hear from you yesterday. Hope you two are doing ok through this tough time.

    j hess.

  9. I love all the information you share….. and a little selfishly, look forward to the bits about your love for Kathy…. I don’t think anyone else would think otherwise. Its like reading a fairy tale, only from the prince’s perspective instead of the princess.
    Im glad that we are looking forward now, to the recovery….though I know its tortuous for you, the uncertainty. We will keep praying… Come on Kathy!
    All our love….

  11. Dear Richard,
    Although I eagerly await news of Kathy, I imagine that doing the blog every day must be difficult for you, especially on days when things aren’t going so well.
    Our love and prayers will still be with you and it will make each time you do the blog even more special,(if that’s even possible!).
    I’m so glad they are weaning her off her meds and hope there are more good days than bad.
    Love,
    Laurel

  12. Even thought I don’t know Allen K. McGann, I feel those same words. From a woman’s perspective. These updates have meant a lot to me. It would have been much harder not knowing what was going on there with her progress and care. Looking forward to your future occasional blogs with updates on her recovery. Yes, a long steep road with an unknown destination, Quite a journey indeed. Thank You Richard. Love and hugs for you both. diane

  13. Thanks so much for the updates on Kathy, I am so releived to hear she is finally progressing .Sounds wonderful, your updates have been marvelous. Being so far away, give Kathy a hug for all of her relation back in Buffalo and tell her we love her, and will pray for her return back to home and family. Cousin , Lois

  14. Dear Richard and Kathy, This is the worst kind of suspense story, since I am also on the edge of my seat wanting to know how dear Kathy is, and you too Richard. I appreciate your words, getting to know you two better, reading of your love, inspirations, and personal history has been a beautiful window into your hearts and minds. I love reading your daughters words also despite the fact I’ve met them only once. Thank you for sharing Kathy’s progress (yay) and your daily thoughts with all of us who are standing outside, waiting, worrying, cheering and loving you both.
    Dani

  15. Dear Kathy and Richard, we have all been changed by the generosity of you and your family sharing your innermost, personal thoughts and feelings, hopes and fears at such a vulnerable time. We are all more attentive and appreciative of our friends and loved ones. We are all more conscious of enjoying every precious moment of health and togetherness, thank you.
    Even though we won’t be starting our days with your ‘Kathy update’ we will be keeping you both close in our hearts and our thoughts every day going forward on this next phase of your journey just as we have for the last few weeks.

    Much love to you both, Ed and Monica

  16. Ongoing prayers. Everyday I watch for an update. I will continue to do so, and appreciate any opportunity to hear of progress, whenever you have time and heart to post it. In your time, Thank you for all you’ve done for those of us who only know what’s happening through your words. I so appreciate it…..

  17. Richard, i have just signed onto your blog and read from past to present although stacy has kept me abreast of what has been going on. your writing is articulate and lovely. thank you for being so accessible for all of us who love Kathy so much. Keeping you both in my thoughts and prayers daily. hoping the bumps are small and the road smoothes as you roll along. lighting a candle daily. xoxoxo joanne richards

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