Day 13, morning
Friday night was hard. The nurse on duty kept giving me scary signals…not on purpose, but it seems like she used the word “critical” every third sentence. I don’t know, looking at the five or six numbers and graphs that are most carefully monitored, and attended to when they veer out of acceptable range, they seemed basically unchanged from the previous four nights that the spasming has been taking place. Maybe that night’s on duty nurse’s way of being forthright is just different from the other nurses’.
Aine is back on Doppler duty. Readings much like the previous days’ readings. I don’t know how Kathy does it. Four days of angio in a row – into her thigh, up her leg, up her torso, through her heart, up her neck, into the complex arterial network of her brain to inject the stroke-preventing cardene. Three hours plus. Drs. Zauner and Tensor are reluctant to keep pressing these on her because, despite the fact that she “tolerates” them “well,” they nevertheless take a heavy toll. So, yesterday, a one-day reprieve…no angio, to give her body and mind some hours to recover before the good doctors charge, catheter in hand, once more into the tightening breach.
But today, a very exceptionally delicate angio. Dr. Zauner is going to try to sneak his catheter into a 1 ½ mm vessel and lay down the cardene directly – it’s too small to do an angioplasty (which they normally do in this circumstance). He gives it a 20-30% shot of succeeding with that, otherwise he injects the cardene at the entrance to the spasm, lets the bloodstream carry the meds, and hopes for the best. It’s worked before on Kathy, but only for a brief period…we’re looking for something with better duration.
Overall, hopefulness! Here something else I can interpret as positive (whether the medical staff does or not):
First, the CT scan as of yesterday showed “no new stroke.” That means the cardene being injected into the spasming vessels has been doing its job. My mother, a nurse through the 50’s into the 80’s, praised the miracle of modern medicine. If she only knew.
Second, one of the two tubes draining blood from either side of Kathy’s head might be removed. A week ago they were using just one, but it was so full of blood they worried about clotting, so they added #2 just in case. Now they might not need that; tube # 1 functioning properly.
News like that makes me fantasize about rehab – if only can get there we’ll be good. Come on, Kathy.
So, with that rehab in mind, there’s something that has been troubling me. I have to apologize for a neglect that Kathy would (will) find hard to forgive – not replying promptly and individually to each of your loving and prayerful posts, your many voice mails and texts. I’ve not answered most of the phone calls as they have come in…I know from having tried that I invariably choke up, and eventually have to end the call before all can be said. Also, I’m on 24-hour alert (self imposed) for calls from the medical team. Please know that my neglect is not from anything other than my weakness and anxiety.
The posts have been so beautiful. Heartwarming. Therapeutic. Both to me and, I feel certain, to Kathy. If she were aware that I haven’t responded immediately to them she would be very disappointed. She might give me what has become known as “the look” (did I describe that earlier? It’s a kind of reluctantly affectionate staredown that a slightly exasperated, loving mother gives to her misbehaving, or mistake-prone child. Abby and Paige are well acquainted with “the look.” Me too).
What I want to do is this: make our replies a loving, mutual rehabilitation project, one that will be rewarding to both of us in re-living the reading and the whispering of those healing, encouraging messages, and in reestablishing Kathy’s, and my, re-connection with friends and family after the traumatic past few weeks. Can it have been only that long?
For now, though, I can only be in awe of the generous spirit of love pouring into our lives. Simply, thank you.
19 Comments on Day 13, morning Friday night was hard. The
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Richard, No need to thank us. We all thank you for caring for Kathy as we all wish we could do ourselves. Many of us being nurses, it is hard not to be at her bedside loving and nursing her back to health. Thinking of you both constantly throughout time now. Linda
Richard , Thank you for your updates,we understand how hard it is to answer everyones concerns just know we are praying every day for progress and we know it will take time. Lots of Love, Cousin, Lois
Richard,
You are doing a superb job of informing/supporting your’s and Kathy’s many friends. Thank you.
Love,
Joey
Thank you for your beautifully written blogs every day and for keeping us so well informed. We wish we could do more to help, but we will keep you both in our prayers. I’m sending Reiki healing energy to you both. Stay strong Dick.
love,
Richard and Susan
You and Kathy are on my mind and in my prayers every evening and morning when I awake. Continue to be strong and know that Kathy does know what is going on around her, she’s right there with you. You will continue to be in our thoughts and prayers. With love, Debbie and Mike
When Kathy gives you The Look…you pull into line, howdy. I’ve been on the receiving end of that look, but I’m giving *her* The Look right now. Find your pace Kathy. Give us another Bravo! day. xo
Dear Richard, You are a better man than I. Every morning I read your posts, then close my eyes and think if I could handle my beloved Karla in that situation, and the answer is always No. After 34 years of marriage, I also know the look. More than that, I depend on the look. It is a part of my reality, which is at times tenuous at best. It is the external manifestation of my inner conscience that only she can provide. I keep checking in on Abby to see that she is holding up, which I am happy to report that she is holding on very well. I keep thinking positive thoughts will yield positive results. So all I can offer you, is my positive thoughts for Kathy….and of course to you and Abby and Paige. Stay strong brother.
Allen K. McGann
Please don’t sweat concerns about our need for replies or contact with you, buddy. Your stalwart perseverence, insights and daily blog sustains all of us following this facinating and loving odyssey. Keep on keeping on!
Pat
Richard, you are doing what is most important. Our posts are for you and Kathy and we need nothing in response. It is enough to know that you are focusing all your love, time and attention on Kathy. Take no time for regrets! Your contribution to our lives is enormous just from the sharing you have done in your open, special way on this blog. Thank you for including us in your walk, for it enables us all to walk a little better, a little fuller, a little more aware, with a little more love than before, upon this earth.
Dear Richard,
No need to apologize or to reply. We are so grateful to you for including all of us and letting us know about Kathy’s progress. You both remain in my heart and I think of you with love daily.
Leslie
Richard,
PLEASE do not respond to my blogs! I do know that it is so very difficult to keep all you must have to do for our Kathy. It makes me feel better knowing that my feelings are being sent to you. That’s enough for me.
Now to Kathy – – – we love you and pray for you each night. I feel that a just God will allow you to return to us, fully and completely.
Torg!
Torg’s Son, Lola’s Brother Jeff…
From Bermuda, we’re also with you Richard and Kathy. Good work with helping us all to FEEL. We FEEL for your pain, and your hunger and your optimism and HOPE. Carry on my friends. Love and Prayers from not so far away on this planet, which is Tiny compared to our feelings and love for you folks. Jeff and Doreen
Richard, concentrate all your love and attention on Kathy, and know that your daily blogs are all the thanks we need. We rush to read of Kathy’s progress every night, and pray for you both. Keep on!
Irene & Mike
Please don’t worry about calling me. You have enough on your plate. It’s phenomenal that you are keeping us close to Kathy by informing us on her progress. Kathy is so tough! She’s a fighter . My hopes and prayers are with you and Kathy. Love, Judy
Not one expects a personal reply from you. Maybe Kathy?? Down the road?? When the healing is done??? That is my hope, to hear from her in due time, when the healing is done and celebration has begun……Love and prayers….
Love that you can keep a sense of humor during all of this. The paragraph about “The Look” just cracked me up and I couldn’t help but think that Kathy will give you “The Look” when she sees you wrote about it and posted a picture of it! I know she will be happy that you were able to keep your sense of humor during this trying time…
Thank you again for taking the time to post about Kathy. I have seen Kathy give that look and I too had to laugh at that paragraph you wrote. Kathy, we all love you so very much! I think about you throughout my day which is your night and I say prayers for you through my day and for your Richard too! Please LORD, stop the spasming and help her brain heal so that she can wake up and start her recovery and please LORD give Richard your strength and your peace that you are right there with them both.Amen! I will continue to lift you both up in prayer! Send my love to Kathy.
Love, Arlene
Well Richard..it sounds pretty unanimous(sp?) The Blog is the reply.. I am up at 6am and heading to THE FIELD.. thank you for a great afternoon.. I will be sending purple and lavender love to you singing that talking heads song that I told you about, or listening to one of the many radio stations in my head! Love Love Love to our Kathy.. we all can’t wait to have her give us The Look again!!! Stacy
Richard, are you kidding!!!?! This blog is the most loving meaningful reply you could give to all of us. And one day you should bind them and give them to Kathy as the love letters of devotion they are. I can not read one of your posts without tears in my eyes so certainly understand that you can’t take phone calls. We appreciate your updates as we too anxiously await for Kathy to “come on” and get on with rehab.
Sorry I missed you on Saturday, would have liked to give you that big hug!
HUGS, Dana